I remember her last words while she was sitting with her weak shaky body "Mama ngantuk, mama tidur dulu ya" -"I'm sleepy, I'm just going to take a nap ok"
And then she peacefully slept until her last heart beat, 3.10AM last Sunday.
To be honest, I still cannot believe that she's gone. I still feel her around somewhere, somehow. Even though I witness they closed the coffin and brought her into the crematorium, I still hope this is just a bad dream and my phone vibrate an income call from her, waking me up to notify me that she's nearby to pick me up to accompany her to the hospital for her treatment.
Then, I remember a saying " when you love someone, you will impart bits of their spirit"
She has awaken to us who close to her.
So dear God, I'm very grateful for You have brought her into this world. She is one of the greatest gift to us all, family and friends, who got to feel and witness her overflowing love, not only to us, but also to strangers when we went out together with her.
I wish to let her know my words of gratitude
"Ma, even though I'm not your biological daughter, you took a great care of me and I didnt feel lonely growing up without my real one, all because of you.
We are surely will miss your presence, in the kitchen where you're passionately made us lovely home foods, in the car discussing the weather, in your couch, playing games with your Nintendo, in the bedroom watching drama. Your interesting daily life, your jokes, your guidance, your everything.
You're not only the super mom who bind your core family together, but also your siblings and their families. It just me and already feel a great loss, I can't imagine on how Papa, big brothers and sister feel.
I'm sorry if I'm egoistically hope for your eyes to be opened again so I can please you, even though all this time you just wish to pour your love.
It will be hard for us now that you are not around anymore. But we will remember on how a great example you are for not giving up even in your last moments. You set your hopes high so you always look forward for tomorrow, with strong face and will, despite in the lowest chance of positives tomorrows offer.
If you're around you must be making jokes on how crybaby I am now. You know it so well on how I'm awfully difficult to stop crying. I hope you won't mind for now since this is the least I can do to show you how much you mean to me, but I promise not to cry too much in near future for you. You're no longer suffering cancer, will not be injected with needles, will not experience winter you hate anymore.
I love you ma, I hope in the future to see you again in heaven, seeing your proud face on how I've lived well as brave, cheerful, courageous and loving as you were."
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